Why We Abandon Ourselves to Keep Love
When we enter the beginning stages of a relationship, sparks are flying, dopamine rushes in, and novelty is flowing. There's a lot of excitement in this part of the relationship as we get to know one another and explore common interests, values, and life pursuits. Attraction is electrical, sometimes all-consuming. Connection feels effortless. But as we move further into the timeline of the relationship, vulnerability becomes increasingly necessary to evolve things further along. It's essential for growth, however raw and exposed it can feel at times. Being vulnerable means flaws, wounds, and friction begin surfacing, and parts of us we may not admire so much are exposed. Sometimes it can feel safer to hide these parts, blend in with our new partner, and become more of what we think they want in order to remain in the relationship or to reduce conflict. This is the stage where fear emerges and adaptation begins in many relationships. Most people do not lose themselves in relationships all at once. It often happens slowly, through small moments of self-betrayal repeated over time.
Self-abandonment rarely happens in one dramatic moment. It often happens through repeated small disconnections from our own truth. Many people find themselves becoming chameleon-like in an attempt to avoid loss or rejection. We may start off with little things at first, such as music styles, interests, or restaurant preferences. Over time, maybe this develops into suppressed needs, desires, or goals. I think we've all known individuals who begin transforming themselves for someone they are in relationship with, which can be incredibly valuable and positive. But sometimes, people can change so much that they become unrecognizable, to the point of almost resembling a shell of who they once were. It usually begins with small compromises that seem inconsequential – micro self-betrayals – when we don’t speak up for ourselves or deny our own needs. As these stack up, we begin blending into our partner and slowly lose touch with authenticity in order to become more palatable.
Why does this occur and how do any of us prevent losing ourselves in relationship? Fear of losing love is one of the biggest and most relatable human challenges. Left unexamined and unattended, our earliest attachment wounds will guide and direct our conscious and unconscious behaviors related to the fear of loss or rejection. For example, if our earliest attachment experiences cultivated and reinforced an anxious form of attachment patterns, we may find ourselves reliving them in present relationships, fearing love will be taken from us at any moment if we do not adjust ourselves to find acceptance. Every action and inaction we take becomes centered around the idea, “If I become what you need, maybe you won’t leave.” This may have served as a survival strategy in childhood to maintain connection with a caregiver. We learn to reject and suppress parts of ourselves to please our parents and avoid disconnection whenever possible. This reinforces the idea that we can earn connection through pleasing others and abandoning ourselves. When connection feels uncertain or fragile, we often find ourselves shape-shifting or people pleasing in order to maintain some level of connection.
What once served as a survival strategy in childhood becomes a pattern that leads to performance-based behaviors in adulthood. But performance leads to false connections with others. What we perceive as acceptance and love is based on an illusion. We can expend an enormous amount of energy overanalyzing ways to find acceptance, leading to over-accommodation and inner depletion. We cannot experience true intimacy while hiding ourselves in order to preserve attachment. As long as we shift ourselves to fit the mold of what someone else expects or demands, we remain disconnected from our true selves. If love is only maintained through performance, then the relationship is never truly connected to who we are. And if we are frequently behaving in such a way as to receive acceptance and love from others, how will anyone ever truly know us?
Trying to meet others' expectations always leads to suffering. This is because it is impossible to achieve and/or maintain. Once you meet a certain level of acceptance and expectations of another, you've abandoned the expectations of someone else, and always yourself. You can never be everything everyone expects of you, and you are not supposed to. True unconditional love and connection allow you to show up exactly as you are, open to growth and evolution but not at the expense of abandoning truth for attachment. On the other hand, if you are the demanding partner in the relationship, you’ve created expectation dynamics. Your partner is the one constantly adjusting to please you in order to avoid conflict, disappointing you, or losing you. This creates a cycle of conditional approval from your partner as you exert control, reinforcing performance. There is little opportunity for genuine growth because neither person feels safe enough to express needs, desires, or truth from a centered place of awareness. Both people are abandoning authenticity in these circumstances, and neither person feels truly seen.
Over time, self-abandonment eventually breeds resentment and disconnection - both from ourselves and from one another. Meeting someone else’s expectations for the reward of acceptance and love creates an intense amount of emotional exhaustion. The bar is always changing, and it becomes increasingly difficult and confusing to reach. If we consistently abandon ourselves, we become numb to our own needs and desires. At this point, one or both partners can begin to become resentful of the charade the relationship has become. The demanding partner may begin reinforcing the dynamic more strongly in order to maintain the illusion of happiness. But the self eventually protests abandonment through disconnection, leading to isolation, anxiety, and feeling trapped/lost.
Much of this grasping in relationships is rooted in our difficulty accepting loss and uncertainty. Without a healthy understanding and acceptance of loss and impermanence, we often find ourselves grasping onto people, situations, and experiences that only lead to more suffering and less inner peace. When we begin understanding the concept of detachment, or letting go, we can begin loosening our grip on the need to control external situations in order to avoid pain. Life is incredibly complex, dynamic, multidimensional, and colorful. It's meant to be filled with a multitude of emotional, relational, and evolutionary experiences. Grasping and resistance prevents us from unraveling identity structures, keeps us from embodying true worthiness, and closes us off to the incredible peace of the present moment. Acceptance, on the other hand, frees us from the burden of control, and creates space for more authenticity. Learning how to let go of our expectations - and accept another just as they are - is the foundation of unconditional, unattached love. Unattached to outcome, grounded in the firm knowing that we will be okay no matter what happens. Nothing is permanent in this life, but that’s what makes it so beautiful and where we can learn to cultivate gratitude for every moment we have. Every relationship is an opportunity to learn more about ourselves, our patterns, and what truly matters to us.
When authenticity is encouraged and cultivated, love thrives. There is no need for performance and the relationship has the capacity to hold space for self-trust and self-acceptance. Both partners soften into conscious love that expects nothing but gives freely. When we make it a habitual and intentional practice to return to Self, we find that there is no need to shape-shift or become anything other than who we are. In relationship, you are either moving more toward love and acceptance for yourself or further away from it.
Perhaps the question we should be asking ourselves is not,
“How can I become what you need in order to maintain connection?”
But...
“Is this relationship helping me become more fully myself, or teaching me to abandon myself in order to stay connected?”
Relationships have a way of revealing what we cannot always see on our own. When we begin to approach these moments with awareness instead of reaction, curiosity instead of blame, the relationship itself becomes a place of growth, understanding, and transformation.
If this resonates with you and you feel drawn to explore this work more deeply, you can learn more about Relational Alchemy here: Relational Alchemy.
If you’re feeling ready, you can complete the Relational Alchemy Inquiry here: Relational Alchemy Inquiry.