Learning to See Each Other Again
Why does the person we once adored eventually become the person we are most frustrated by? And how is it that we slowly become more focused on criticism rather than appreciation? Of course, we are evolutionarily wired for a negativity bias due to the near constant state of threat our ancestors suffered in the environment they lived in. This kept them safe from predators and kept them on alert, but they had little to no choice in the matter. They didn't have much opportunity to reflect on the extraordinary qualities of a flower and its beauty when there was a possibility of being attacked by a wild animal at any given moment. Their survival literally depended upon noticing threats. Fast forward to present day, and our nervous systems are still wired to scan for danger, even when no real threat is present. If safety and connection are available in our relationships, why do we continue searching for what is wrong instead of noticing what is right?
My parents divorced very early in my life, and they both grappled with scarcity. Whether they spoke of it often or not, I felt it. When you grow up with a single parent that struggles to provide, as I did, you witness their stress and overwhelm quite frequently. They live in a state of insecurity, lack, and dysregulation. Children naturally feel and mirror the nervous systems and neurological wiring of their caretakers. For many of us who have inherited nervous systems organized around scarcity, we learn to scan for problems, as our parents did. In turn, we internalize the belief that security comes from identifying and correcting what is wrong. So, this intergenerational patterning has run deeply in many families for longer than we can trace - likely all the way back to our earliest ancestors. This is not an excuse to blame our parents but rather a means for understanding. As a result, when life feels uncertain, we focus on what is missing, what could go wrong, and what needs fixing. Focusing on anything other than the negative or upsetting things in life feels more like naive optimism or oblivious idiocy. Eventually we become so skilled at finding problems that we struggle to find gratitude for what we already have.
When we first meet someone we find a deep connection to, become infatuated and eventually fall into love with, there is a massive shift - at least for a while. It can feel as you're floating through life for a while, which is why this feeling is referred to as "cloud nine." There is a level of awakening that comes with falling in love. It's blissful, invigorating, and hopeful. You see all these incredible qualities in the person despite their flaws. You don't focus on the imperfections because they don’t define the person. The novelty brings excitement and adoration for your partner, and you may begin to radiate positivity in all areas in your life as a result. For a period of time, love seems to interrupt our conditioning. We see it in every romantic comedy - I don't know about you, but I'm a sucker for a great romcom. The two people meet, they date, fall into love, and can’t get enough of one another. They think about each other obsessively, spend as much time together as they can, and have fun. They want to know each other more deeply and build the connection. They love all the idiosyncrasies that make their partner who they are. There is laughter, pleasure, deep intimacy, and joy.
But human life is all about contrast and just like in every romcom, there is a climactic moment or turning point in the relationship. Conflicts occur and things begin to shift in the relational dynamics. In real life relationships, this usually happens gradually over time and is less dramatic. Our attention slowly shifts. When we've committed to a relationship with someone, especially when we reach the stage of cohabitation, the bliss and rapture of the 'honeymoon phase' begins to decrease as the novelty wears off. Living together presents a whole new set of potential challenges in our perception of our partner. Thinking back to my first serious relationship, I remember how exciting the moment was when we moved in together. At first, it was so perfect. Being around each other nearly every free moment and planning all sorts of activities together - dreaming of our future - was so invigorating. I was living in a state of so much gratitude and momentum. But over time, my intergenerational conditioning and inherited patterning began to creep in and take over. We always have freedom of choice in life as far as thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors are concerned, but I was completely unaware of this at the time. Where I once naturally focused on his strengths, beauty, possibility, and connection, I now saw mostly flaws. I became more critical, brought in negative energy from whatever I encountered outside of the home, and noticed more of what he did that I perceived as wrong than what I perceived as right. My mind created more expectations for him, which led to more conflict that was unresolved because I did not know how to fully repair. In my case, my partner didn’t necessarily change as much as my perception did.
One thing I have noticed clinically, as well as personally, is that couples often become hyper-aware of disappointments, unmet needs, mistakes, forgotten tasks, and missed expectations. The lid they always leave off the toothpaste feels like such inconsideration. Their plate left in the sink feels like they don't value the clean house you keep. When they forget to feed the dog, it feels like you are the only one who carries the responsibilities of the home. Once these areas become the habitual focus, resentment grows, connection decreases, and it feels like a chasm lies between the person they once felt nothing but love and adoration for. Eventually, their efforts become invisible, kindness becomes an expectation, and consistency becomes overlooked. Meanwhile, their mistakes and misgivings become magnified. We become so focused on what our partner is not doing that we forget who they are. We stop seeing the whole person and begin relating primarily to their shortcomings.
When resentment builds without awareness, we can often become belittling toward our partner and blinded to the love we have in front of us. My mother went through many relationships during my childhood, so what I learned was that things fall apart because everyone changes and so you leave. This is what I habitually practiced in my early relationships due to my conditioned beliefs. What I learned in my most recent relationship was that conflict happens - but so can repair. For the first time, I realized that relationships are not sustained by avoiding conflict, but by learning how to move through it. If the relationship is valuable to you, you work through things. Slowly, I began intentionally teaching myself how to meditate on the beginning of the relationship and cultivated that early infatuation and love I had for him. I pulled up memories in my mind that reminded me of the emotions I initially felt and why I appreciated him. I realized I had become very skilled at replaying disappointments, but rarely revisited the memories that reminded me why I loved him in the first place. In doing this, I deliberately cultivated appreciation and gratitude and noticed more of the things about him that were worth loving. This helped fuel my energy and gave me a different perception of what was actually upsetting me. From this space, I could choose to let things go that may not have truly mattered in the first place. This is not to say I ignored the problems, but rather that I expanded my awareness beyond the problems. The dish left in the sink may still exist. The conflict may still exist. But they are no longer the entire story. Instead of building resentment and assuming my partner was lazy because he leaves the toothpaste cap off nearly every day, I could simply explain why it’s important to me and ask him to try to remember to place it back on after he uses it.
Cultivating a greater sense of awareness of our own inner world shapes our experience. Where attention goes, energy flows. In other words - what we repeatedly focus on grows and shifts our perspective and our reality. It’s inevitable that relationships suffer when attention becomes organized around deficiency. When the brain focuses so much on what isn’t happening, it loses sight of what is happening. While it may not feel like a choice at first, attention can be trained. It may take practice and consistent effort to choose to appreciate more than criticize or correct, but this appreciative energy will guide not only your thoughts and behaviors, but your assumptions and connection to your partner. Appreciation is not denial. It is remembering. It is seeing the whole person again - not just the parts that frustrate us.
The people we love are always more than the worst thing they did this week. When we learn to widen our awareness beyond disappointment and frustration, we begin seeing them again - not as a collection of flaws to correct, but as the imperfect, beautiful human beings we chose to love in the first place.
Perhaps the question is not whether our partners have flaws.
Perhaps the question is whether we have become so focused on what is missing that we can no longer see what is present.
Relationships have a way of revealing what we cannot always see on our own. When we begin to approach these moments with awareness instead of reaction, curiosity instead of blame, the relationship itself becomes a place of growth, understanding, and transformation.
If this resonates with you and you feel drawn to explore this work more deeply, you can learn more about Relational Alchemy here: Relational Alchemy.
If you’re feeling ready, you can complete the Relational Alchemy Inquiry here: Relational Alchemy Inquiry.